2026-D

Fear, anxiety, depression, despair, confusion, exhilaration, curiosity, thankfulness and total exhaustion filled and overflowed every cell of my body. I felt it all on this hike. I felt it deeply. This is probably not a story I should even share. It truly showcases my stupidity. Let's just say, you should not try any of this friends! But while on this very long hike (I will spare you the total mileage), I realized that I can't just share the butterfly and roses hikes. I can't just let you think that all trails are a breeze. This was a classic Mustard Seed kind of hike and I am going to share it with you; for better or worse. Don't tell me I was stupid....I already know that. Did I learn a lesson? Probably not.

So lets start at the beginning where all good stories begin. I had rarely heard of the peaks I was interested in exploring. Their names would be whispered here and there and always sparked interest within me. They seemed a bit like a ghost. I could not find any mention of them in my almost one hundred hiking books. There was very little online about them. What I did find was confusing at best. One guy wrote that the directions he found must not even be for this hike. I found two other descriptions, both contradicting one another. Another said to never attempt this without a good GPS. I struggled to find any sort of decent map. The lack of information and the confusing and contradicting info that was out there made me anxious before I even attempted it. But I finally gave in and just told myself that I would figure it out on instinct. "It will be fine" I told myself over and over, even though something in my gut was telling me the opposite.

We made the long drive up the winding back roads to the middle of no where, trying to not have the truck swallowed up by the potholes. I had never been up these roads at all, so it was all new to me. Eventually I did find one of the many trail heads that is suppose to get you into the area of the peaks I was interested in. This would be Washington State DNR land. There was only room for one truck to pull off the gravel road near the trail. Since I was the only one there, it was perfect. I backed into the small pull out and hit the trail. Suddenly, I had a strong urge to take a photo back of my truck. I virtually never feel this need and it should have been a clue that I might never see my beloved trail truck again.

The forest swallowed us whole and instantly pushed us into a place of utter silence. It felt primordial in a way I cannot describe. I had entered another world. But I couldn't think about it long because the trail took off at a very steep ascent. This was the type of ascent that gains a thousand feet in just over a half mile....but does not have the benefit of switchbacks or even steps. It just clung straight up the side of the mountain. To make matters a bit more challenging, there were dozens and dozens of downed trees crossing the trail. While climbing steeply up the trail, we now had to climb under and over these giant trees, weaving through their thick branches while all three tied together. It was quickly sucking our energy as we climbed. My knees were covered in dirt from constantly having to crawl under the trees, dipping as low as I could to get my backpack to clear. The trees were often too big to go over on the incline, so crawl we did. Over and over again.

Every now and again, the trail would suddenly level out for a glorious few steps. It was so wonderful to let my calves take a break in those moments. The trees and underbrush were thick and the trail clearly had not been used by more than a rare few in years. It truly felt like a lost trail.

The day was warm, and the climbing so intense, that I could literally feel sweat pouring down my body. My hair was dripping with it, it was running down my back, filling my sports bra and running down my legs inside my pants to fill my socks. There was no water on this dry hike so we had to be careful to conserve what we packed with us. We kept climbing and found that the trail would spit us out repeatedly on old, overgrown and abandoned logging roads. There would be no signs or markers at all. Sometimes we had to walk up the road several hundred yards to find the trail taking off again. Sometimes we had to hike down the road. We never really knew. I also never knew when we did this if it was even the same trail. But we moved on instinct, mostly climbing upwards. Ever upwards. I lost track of the number of roads and strange junctions we came to. We just kept moving.

Over and over again, I pulled out what trail descriptions I had printed to bring with us. Nothing was right. Nothing. I agreed with the man who wrote about this online, stating there was no way the directions were even for the right trail. After what felt like a lifetime of climbing, we started to break out above the tree line. We were going to crest the peak and I was excited to see what we could find. The girls were too.

I took a few moments to rest and enjoy the surrounding blue-green hills dotted with clouds above. We were finding wildflowers now and could tell it was not so long ago that snow blanketed these hills. The sun was beating down on us now that were mostly above tree line. We had to take a few water breaks where the girls greedily sucked up the cold water from my bladder bag and stainless bottle. We continued to snake up the side of the peak to get to the top. There were several false summits, causing frustration in my heart each time we thought we were there, only to find another steep and rocky climb ahead. Eventually we made it and found a peaceful meadow dotted with flowers.

We didn't stay long because we discovered that the meadow was full of ticks all rapidly moving in our direction, anxious for a blood meal. I picked a few off from each of us and flicked them away as we then dove back into the forest to continue on a trail across the ridge. Before long we came to a 3 way trail junction. There were very old wooden signs here, but each had fallen or been pushed over, making it so there was no way to know which trail was which. I decided to go left and after about a mile, found that it dead ended in a place that I think may have once been a parking lot, but it was now overgrown with trees. I rechecked my paperwork to see if I could find any clues. I walked all around the clearing and found 3 different trails all going in different directions from it. None of it felt right for what I needed to do. I wanted to get to the other dual peak. Supposedly, you can climb both and find an old logging road in the saddle between them.

After how steep the climb up was, I started to form the idea in my mind that maybe we should just find that logging road in the saddle and hike it down when we were done with the peaks. From what I remembered in my research, that logging road should come out about a half mile or so from where I parked my truck. It would be a bit longer, but surely not as steep I figured. Going up that ascent is one thing, but the steep descent would be murder on my knees and feet. So my plans changed in that clearing and I decided to head back to the 3 way junction and go on the other path I had not yet tried. It seemed to be heading in the right direction. It didn't take long to climb back up to the intersection of fallen signs. I looked at them again to see if any of them seemed to indicate the other peak. None of them did, which seemed weird. I was definitely starting to feel like this was the twilight zone of hikes. It felt like a black hole, where everything was upside down and inside out and nothing made sense. My internal radar was off and not working. I won't say I was lost, because I am always found in the Lord, but I surely did not know where I was. We hiked for miles across the ridge, undulating up and down through trees. At times we were moving through deep old growth forests, and other times through old logged out sections. I couldn't get a good view again to try to find our bearings. Several times I stopped and pondered if we should just turn around.

But here is where my stupidity really lies on the trail. I have a very, very hard time admitting any sort of defeat. I am incredibly stubborn once I have chosen a path to complete. I absolutely hate back tracking more than about anything on a trail. I had the motivation to turn this into a loop hike and I was very determined to do so. We kept moving. After several more miles I stopped again. "Okay, that is it, we will go down this last hill, and if we don't figure this out, we have to go back" I grumbled out loud. Suddenly I felt as if we were not alone. We were being watched. But I was honestly too tired to worry much about it. Down the hill we moved, my right foot already on fire.

Unexpectedly, the trail dumped us out on another old gravel road. But this one looked different. I looked up to the right and it appeared to be dead ending. I looked down to the left and saw that it ran into another, slightly larger, gravel road with a sign. As I looked behind me at the trail I had just been on, it seemed to have disappeared behind us. There was no marker and you almost couldn't even tell a trail was there. "Had I been on a trail" I started to wonder. Was I losing my mind?? Was this dehydration? We stumbled down to the road intersection to read the sign.

It pointed up to our left saying "White Salmon". I was dumb founded. I should be hell and gone from White Salmon. "How is that even possible" I asked no one in particular. I just stood and stared. This was not happening. But the other sign pointed to my right and read "Willard". Okay, now we are getting somewhere. Maybe this was the road I needed that would take me down close to my truck. I had parked past Willard near a campground at the end of the road. But the other peak was not here and everything I had read was wrong. However, we had gone the other way and it wasn't there either. Had I actually lost a peak, I wondered. I wanted to scream in frustration. But I made no outward motion or sound. I just stood still and let the sign burn itself into my eyes.

A little voice in my head reminded me that if I hiked with a cell phone or GPS that I would likely have the answers I was desperate for. "Shut it." I told the voice.

We turned to our right and slowly started to walk down the gravel road. I did not know if this was the right move to make. But we couldn't stand there forever. I had to make a decision. So this is what we did. I was committing.

For the first mile or so on this road, I was trying to calculate about how far from the road below this would take us. I guessed it should be only about three miles now. Then hopefully a half mile to the truck. But before long I saw a big red 4 painted on a tree trunk. My heart sank. Four more miles to get to the road. UGH. We were already beyond tired. I could feel pain spreading across my entire body. My feet were really acting up, both my plantar fasciitis and the bunions caused by the toes I broke on a hike years ago. My left knee was hurting, my left hip wanting to lock up and my shoulders and even ribs were painful from climbing and crawling so much with my pack. But I told myself we could make it another four miles and then a smidge. So we pushed onward.

After another mile however, we came to a tree with a big red 8 painted on the trunk. I almost died right there. "No." "No." "No." It couldn't be. It had to be a mistake. It was not real. There was no way. I grew light headed as I think I had stopped breathing. If I had tear ducts, this would have been a really great moment to cry. But I decided that this number was a lie. Maybe it was suppose to be a 3. The last one was a four after all. So we kept going further down the steep gravel winding road. After another mile, I could see a red marking on a tree up ahead. "Please be a number two I silently begged." It broke something inside me when I got closer and read 7.

Many, many curse words fell out of me. I realized that the four I thought I had seen before was surely a faded number 9 instead. If only the rapture could just happen I thought. Then this could all be over. There was no way we could go another seven miles after the number of miles we had already hiked, many of them up that brutal climb that tested our endurance so harshly. God, how I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But instead, a deep despair just filled me. A despair the likes of which I don't recall ever feeling. I could feel pain in every cell. My fingernails hurt. My hair hurt. I knew I was letting my mind sink into a deep and dark place. I grew angry. I couldn't decide if I hated this trail or if it hated me. I am pretty sure I said "I will never hike again."

After a few moments with my eyes closed, praying with all my might that God would send me a miracle to get us out of this, I opened my eyes and started to walk down the road again letting my anger fuel my screaming cells to work together. I felt as if my very soul was rupturing and could no longer be contained within my skin. It was surreal. I also never, ever, want to feel that way again.

We slowly watched the numbers on the tree trunks as we moved. We passed a 6 and then a 5. Then we started to come to other road junctions. We stood for a long time looking at a new road going off to the right. My gut finally said not to take that one. Then we came to a road off to the left. Again, we stayed straight. Again and again, there were two way and three way road junctions. At one, we did take a hard right and veered off what I think was the main road. but there was really no way to know. There was just shit for signage. What signs I could find only said the same things.....N1000, B1000. What does any of that mean? And why did B1000 seem to be four different roads as we went? It want in every direction...all with the same marking. I was growing beyond pissed. Angry at myself. Angry that no one was driving up this road at sunset. I looked to heaven. "Couldn't you send a nice forest ranger in a big white truck this way???? Is that so much to ask???" After we went around another sharp corner on the road and I saw the old remains of a campfire, complete with charred metal BBQ grates, in the middle of the road, I questioned how often the road has actually been used.

Despair. Despair was all I had left. The sun was setting fast and it was growing dark. I knew it would be pitch black by the time we would hit the 3 or 4 mile mark on the road. I started to question where this gravel road would really come out. Would it truly be the one only a half mile from where this adventure started? "Oh God", I suddenly said. "No." It dawned on me that this might be the other gravel road I had seen that was the place where I had turned left and had 7.5 miles to go to get to the trailhead. "What if we get there and have another 7.5 miles to go?" I screamed on the inside of my body as my heart plummeted into my stomach. I did not have a sleeping bag or enough food/water for the three of us to comfortably spend the night. I did have a light blanket in my pack with a book, but that felt wildly unhelpful. I started praying harder and harder for God to come through for us. Before it became completely dark, I was able to get one last photo of a nice view off to our south.

Since the sun is my compass, I knew that once it went down, I would potentially struggle to know my direction if the road kept winding every which way. I tried to walk faster, but the distance between trees marked with red numbers seemed to be growing farther and farther apart. Every mile now felt like ten. Was that real or my imagination I questioned? Was I hallucinating? My mind pushed to its limits to dig deep and find a bit more endurance as we passed the number 3, then 2, then 1. I made up my mind. If we finished this last mile and were not close to the truck, we would hitchhike. But what are the odds of there being traffic so late at night on back roads like this I wondered.

The final mile ended right near a river and a bridge. I knew my worst nightmare had come true as soon as I heard that river. It was the White Salmon and I was in the town of Willard, exactly seven and a half miles from where I left my truck.

I stood for a long time on the side of the road. The girls flopped to the ground in exhausted heaps. The night air wrapping around us was growing colder and colder by the minute. No one was coming for us. "Please God. Just a little help here" I whispered to Him. I felt that we had to choice. We were going to need to find a door to knock on. The problem was that most of the homes in this "town" were more like shacks. Some were old RVs with sheds built onto them. Most were all dark. The houses that had fences seemed to be old wood pallets leaning up to make corrals. I looked at my pedometer to see what time it was. It was 10:30pm now. It was a real, real bad idea to start knocking on doors at that time of night in the middle of nowhere. I knew it. But I had no choice.

We walked up the deathly silent road for a while. We passed two shacks with no lights on and no vehicles. But then off to the right I saw a light. The house was the most decent one I had seen. There was a huge white pickup in the driveway. There were lots of warning signs posted, but I ignored them and slunk up the driveway until a motion light kicked on, blinding me and almost making me urinate myself. I could see a television playing inside. I walked up onto the wooden porch to knock on the door. I stepped back off the porch so if someone opened the door, the Wolf wouldn't jump on them. I also wanted them to see I had a gun on my tactical belt. I didn't really know if that would help me or hurt me.....but I decided not to move it. No one answered. I went back up onto the porch to knock harder. We waited in the grass. Nothing.

Again, with despair filling my body, we slowly walked back up the driveway. We kept moving along the road, very, very slowly. Then I surprised someone standing outside their cabin. I asked if there was any way they could give us a ride just seven miles to the campground up the road. I was turned down hard. "Okay," I mumbled, "we'll just keep walking." Farther up we went, walking as if in a dream. If only I could cry, maybe I would feel better I thought. But I had lost touch with any feelings, even my anger. I was living inside a nightmare. I was draped in a resolution of death. I had nothing left to lose.

Eventually we came to another house on the left. It was a mobile home and the lights were on. We almost ran to it. I went up the few steps to knock on the door and then back off into the front lawn. It took forever, but an elderly woman with white hair creaked the door open just a smidge. I told her we were in a bit of a pickle and needed a ride seven miles. She shook her head. I knew it before she said it. At her age, she surely doesn't drive at night. I asked if she knew anyone who might help me. My next question was going to be if I could sleep in her front lawn, but she pointed toward her neighbors house and said the man there might help me. But he had two large dogs screaming at us from behind a not very secure looking fence. I told her there was no way I could get my beasts anywhere near them. She volunteered to call him.

"Oh please ma'am, if you would be so kind. I would really be grateful" I replied.

As she went into her home I sank to my knees in her front lawn. Nova and Josie flopped to their stomachs. We had all hit our wall. I had nothing left in me. I looked into the night sky. "Please God, won't you provide for us?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I smiled. Something I no longer thought I was even capable of. I realized I sounded like Mary in Bethlehem trying to find a place to give birth to the baby Jesus. That gave me hope. I hung my head and prayed in the darkness. I knew He would provide. Somehow. I would not be abandoned.

After what felt like forever, the woman came out on her porch with her phone to her ear. She was asking me what kind of dogs I had. What the holy hell??? What does that matter??? I knew I could not tell her I was sitting in her yard with a Wolf. So I stalled and said, I have a Husky mix and a little mutt with me. (Technically the Wolf has a tiny bit of Alaskan Husky in her, so it wasn't a total lie). She tells the man on the other end of the line and finally hangs up.

My entire life was hanging in the balance of her next words to me. My face almost hit the grass before me as she told me he was coming. But we would need to ride in the back of his pick up truck. Okay.....I have never done that before...especially with my girls who I had no idea how they would react. Fear filled me with the image of the Wolf having a panic attack and jumping from a moving vehicle while attached to me. But we couldn't walk it. We had no choice. We sat in the grass waiting for our ride. The nice lady then wanted to talk to me about what had happened. She could not believe I had climbed that ridge and ended up back in town. She felt it was impossible. I assured her it was not. She asked if I was armed. Again, I feared to answer this question. But I finally told her yes, hoping she wouldn't call the man back and tell him not to come. She surprised me when she told me that he is always very armed. Great. Every time I hitch hike, the man always has more guns then me. What is that I thought??? But I think I told her that the armed men are usually the safer ones, trying to convince myself I was right as I said it.

A small pickup pulled up along side us. By small, I mean tiny. It had only the one bench seat for the driver and the tiniest bump out behind those seats. Now I knew why he said we would need to ride in back. The moment he stepped out of the truck, Josie lost her mind. She tried to run away and almost made me face plant as she hit the end of her leash attached to me. She was terrified of the large man with the deep voice. I chatted briefly with him, thanking him from the bottom of my heart for being willing to help us. I walked to the back of the truck and dropped the tailgate. Nova jumped right in, but Josie again, tried to run the opposite direction. She flipped and alligator rolled. She lay all her weight flat to the ground. She tried to run. She was not getting in the truck. We were in full panic attack mode already.

I apologized profusely and told them I would likely just have to walk after all as once Josie gets into a panic attack, it is almost impossible to get her out of it. That is when the nice man then offered for us to try to get into the cab. Moving around to the passenger side, I tried to open the door, but it was stuck. After several hard pulls, I finally got it. Nova jumped in and was perfectly happy to sit in the middle. With everything in me I worked to convince Josie to just hop up onto the floor board. She did for about 2 seconds before barreling out into my chest and whipping me around as she tried to make a run for it. This yanked me after her and pulled Nova back out of the truck. I tried everything to convince her we were safe, while part of me was wondering what Josie knew.

Total and utter despair filled me again. To have my fragile hope stolen was almost more than I could bear. But then the resolution came. We would just keep walking. When we could walk no more, then I would roll us up in my thin blanket along the side of the road and sleep. Maybe someone would be driving up the dead end r0ad to the campground in the middle of the night I thought. Someone with a bigger vehicle. Someone the Wolf would not be afraid of. I couldn't even be mad at Josie. She is who she is. I accept her and all that this brings. Even panic attacks in the midst of the only hope we had.

Thankfully the elderly woman offered to pray over Josie. I readily agreed, but somehow, didn't have the faith it would work. Now I know God answers prayers. Even though he did not send me someone back on the logging road like I had begged, I still had faith. But this is the Beast we are talking about here. The Beast having a full blown panic attack. But we all prayed over Josie and I shouted a loud "AMEN!" at the end. The man then walked far, far away from his truck, back up toward the woman's porch. He left his driver's door open. I got Nova back in the truck and got her to sit in the bump out on top of at least three rifles that I spotted behind the seats. Awesome.

Then I climbed in after Nova and in my baby wolfie voice encouraged Josie to come jump in. She did, but jumped right back out. I had to grab onto the door frame to keep from being drug out with her again. I kept trying. After a couple more times she jumped in my lap...half on me, half on the floorboard. I grabbed the door handle and slammed it closed, hitting her butt and my right leg in the process. I put her in a tight hug and yelled out to the man that I had her!!!

As he came up to the truck, all I could think about was how he was going to get in, surely with his side touching mine, and how on earth I could keep the Wolf from biting him. I prayed, I put her in a head lock, I wrapped my legs around her body. I would not let her attack the nice man. Thankfully Josie did not growl. She did not even show her teeth. (Shocking I know). Instead, she tucked her head up under my right arm as close to the door of the truck as she could and she froze. As soon as he turned the engine on and started to move the truck I could feel her relax just a bit. Thank God. Her being exhausted was working for me! That and the kind woman's prayers who had no idea what sort of a Wolf she was praying for.

The man and I started to get to know each other. While it was only seven and a half miles, it was rough road and would take at least twenty minutes to drive to my truck. He asked me all about where I had been. He turned and stared at me after I told him.

"That is impossible. No one goes up there." He told me.

"Well I could tell that from the trail conditions" I joked with him.

"No, I am serious" he said. "You are lucky to be alive."

"What?" I asked.

He asked me if I believed in Bigfoot. Yes, I said and told him that I once hiked with a banana in my pack when trying to find the big guy.

"You know this is the very heart of Bigfoot country don't you. In fact the big male lives right up that ridge you climbed. It belongs to him. You shouldn't have gone up there. I can't believe you did that alone. I can't believe you did that in the dark coming out."

I felt myself faltering a bit. "Well, we didn't see him up there" I quietly said. But I remembered feeling watched and the way the girls kept smelling something very intently at times, showing unusual fear. My mind started to think about the knocked down signs and twilight zone feel on the ridge.

"Oh" he laughed, "I guarantee he was watching you."

He then asked if I knew about the two men from Portland who came up to find BigFoot. When I told him I had no idea, he explained how just a couple years ago, these two experienced hunters came up to the exact area I had been and both ended up dead. Very dead. Dead Dead.

The conversation was putting goosebumps up and down my arms. He went on to tell me all about his own Bigfoot encounter and how Bigfoot ate his Vanilla Wafers. Now I have to say, this man was very, very believable. He has lived in the area since the 1980's. He told me what to do to sign for Bigfoot and communicate with him. (No I am not sharing that). He told me more about the area. It was like every dream and nightmare came true all at once. I have wanted to find evidence of BigFoot for a long time. Now I knew where he lived. But I also knew two men searching for the big guy died right near where I walked. My driver told me that some of the creatures are nice and some are mean. Well shit. What a night this was turning into. Nova's little front feet now stood just between us so she could listen intently; turning her head from right to left listening to each of us with big eyes while wearing her pink heart tutu dress. I just cannot make this stuff up I thought. To lighten the mood, I did tell my new friend that I was hiking with a diffuser full of catnip off the side of my pack.

He sharply turned to look at me as I was crunched forward from the backpack behind me and still holding Josie in my arms.

"You know that will attract the mountain lions to you right?"

"Yes sir," I said. "That is my goal."

Now he knew I was a special kind of crazy too. We were surely best of friends already this man and I. I do think I told him I loved him when he told me about the Vanilla Wafers and how to signal BigFoot. But that was likely exhaustion. I am not sure I was whole in that moment. But it was how I felt. I think this is how it must feel to be drunk I thought.

When we did eventually find my truck, my amazing driver turned around and kept his headlights pointed on my rig until we were all fully loaded with my truck started and ready to go. He was a perfect gentleman and truly my hero that night. I couldn't stop thanking him and will always remember him fondly. I gave him all the cash I had stashed in my pack to pay him for his gas and time. He tried to refuse, but I threw it on his seat and ran (okay hobbled) away.

While I immediately knew that this was my second worst hike of all time, I also knew it would be one of my most memorable. Trauma has a way of doing that to your memory. By the way, as we neared the trailhead, I realized there was no gravel road coming down anywhere near it. It was never there. Shouldn't surprise me a bit that what I read was all wrong.

I followed the man back to his house and then drove home after we flashed our lights at one another in goodbyes. As I made the long drive home I was already contemplating how I could do a rematch with this trail system the very next week....yes, with a banana in my pack this time. I started to dream about hiking all the trails I found and mapping the entire system so it would no longer feel like a blackhole. Of course, my maps would only be for me. I am okay with it staying a black hole to everyone else. I decided that I have a date with BigFoot! I also needed a rematch with B1000! I have given her a name instead of just B. I will let you guess.

Isaiah 40:29-31: He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength... they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.